Robin Williams committed suicide this week. It has bothered me more than any other celebrity death I can recall. I dont know why that is. Yes, he was a genius in so many ways, and kind and funny and so very talented. Truly a unique soul, and I have watched him since his first appearance in television so many years ago. It is absolutely tragic in so many ways. Lines from Hook, where he played the grown Peter Pan keep coming to mind. I will truly miss him. But, I think there is more bothering me than that.
I have also been following the blog of a friend of mine with breast cancer. She is close to my age with four young children. She writes so honestly about it with such an amazing sense of humor that I bust out laughing as she is describing not-so-funny things, like her recent double mastectomy, and her now bony torso and how her kids fared at a special camp for children of parents with cancer. Her words are raw, her descriptions candid and her wit is unrestrained.
I have another wonderful friend who passed away a couple of years ago of breast cancer. She left four kids behind. She had an amazingly generous spirit and positive attitude about life. She passed away in peace, I feel, mostly because she knew. She knew she had tried her best. She knew she didnt take days for granted. She was a kind, generous, humble soul. She was an incredible athlete and even at fifty could run a sub six minute mile. She still holds two college records where she went to school in the early 80's.
Then there is my friend who died of cancer a few years ago, leaving five children behind. Boy, did she fight hard. It was a strange, aggressive form of cancer that kept reacting in opposite and weird ways to the treatments. No rhyme or reason. I remember she posted something on Facebook a few months before she passed. She said she had been praying to be spared so she could raise her young children, when she had a powerful impression. She suddenly thought about all the mothers and fathers who had offered up that same prayer over the years, and the answer had been no. She was humbled by the thought of it and realized that it had nothing to do with being better or worse than someone else. Sometimes, thats just what happens, and we all have to deal with the outcome, for good or for bad.
I've been going through some serious self-reflection lately, and I'm hoping it will lead to some serious changes. I mean, I dont have a big problem like depression or cancer, and I'm not going through some big life-changing event like a divorce or death of a family member. But in some ways, that's my point. Its my general lack of self-discipline. It affects every goal I set for myself, from getting back in shape, to submitting my writing to pursuing my art as a career. I could go on about childhood things that still affect me, or self-esteem issues or the cycles of the moon, but I'm 43 and it's time to put those things in their proper place and move on. And that requires plain ol' self-discipline. It requires making and, more importantly implementing some kind of a plan.
I think about my friends, about Robin Williams. I think about what these friends (yes, in my mind, Robin Williams and I are friends....) might wish for.....more time with their kids, a healthy, strong body, happiness, a great home life, mental stability, freedom to choose what you will do that day---the beach, the zoo, the park....choices that aren't inhibited by chemo or quarantines or fear. I realize that I have every single one of those things they might be wishing for.....EVERY SINGLE ONE. How many do you have? Isn't it time?
My friend with breast cancer recently quoted the Dylan Thomas poem on her blog that says "Rage against the dying of the light." I have always loved that poem and it made me think, it's not just about death. It's also about life. And rage isn't just about anger. It's about fighting....about not giving up or giving in. There are lots of ways we let light die, and often, those ways are passive. Some people are backed into a corner and make a decision to fight. Some of us just sit and watch our dreams and goals slow burn into nothing. I don't want to wait for something to happen. I want to stop staring at the embers. I want to grab some kindling or maybe a log, or maybe some lighter fluid and rage.
All of this made me wonder, what's on your bucket list? What have you been putting off that you really want to do? Please share! Let's make some plans!
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